


Crossroads Of Our Life

by kitkat0723



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Buck needs a hug, Can these two talk about their feelings without going in circles, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Denial of Feelings, Eddie Get a CLUE!, First Kiss, Heart to Heart Conversation, Hopeful Ending, Im gonna knock their heads together, Karen makes some valid points, M/M, Major Slow Burn, Maybe they'll actually talk now, Mentions of Canon, Mentions of Character Death, Mutual Idiocy, Mutual Pining, Obviously so does Eddie, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Tags May Change, They actually coomunicate!!, We're handing them out!, You get a mega update because 2020 can suck it, and an angel, kitchen moments, set after s3, we're all gonna find out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:35:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 19,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25586017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkat0723/pseuds/kitkat0723
Summary: Eddie takes a chance that could potentially change the life he's built with his best friend.Sometimes a leap of faith can go wrong. But what happens when the safety net that is Evan Buckley doesn't catch him when he falls?Evan Buckley knows what happens when you jump with both feet before looking.What happens when the one person he trusts above all else doesn't look before taking a dive head first into something that has the potential to change both their lives?Will these two take the right road to get where they need to be or will facing this crossroad in their relationship make these two partners fall away from each other?
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 114
Kudos: 123





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I sat down to write and well this happened. As usual with these two, I don't know what the hell I wrote, I just know I did. Will try to update it weekly after the chapters go through a million rounds of editing. 
> 
> Big huge thanks to Zee and Cookie and Reb who read this even if none of the 4 of us have any idea where it's going. You all Rock.

Eddie Diaz has been to war. He’s seen things he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy. He’s loved and lost - on multiple occasions - a wife. He’s had to deal with learning his son has a disability. He’s told his parents to get off his back. He’s faced seeing his best friend pinned under a ladder truck with no one to help while a child with a vengeful mind stood inches away, a bomb strapped to his chest. He’s faced off against men twice his size, rage filling his mind as his fists worked in overdrive. He’s lost a best friend, and gotten him back and he’s come face to face with death more times than he can count.

But this? Right now? It might be quite possibly the most terrifying thing he’s ever done. He was going to finally admit to his best friend that he wants them to be more than friends. They were like family, and sure, things might have tried to tear them apart, but things had been good, really good lately. He didn’t want to lose that, but he couldn’t keep quiet anymore. He’d fallen head over heels for Evan Buckley, and he wanted to take him out to show him that. He knows they could be good together. They’d been doing couple-y things since they’d stepped out of that ambulance side by side two years ago. This would just be the next step.  
Hands in his pockets, he leaned against the door of his truck, waiting for Buck to come out of work. Buck had been last in the showers, so he was running behind. When his familiar frame comes into view of the dock doors, Eddie takes a deep breath and wanders over to Buck’s jeep.  
“Hey, I thought you left?” Buck tosses his bag into the back, slamming the trunk closed.  
“Was waiting for you.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal. He can do this. He can do this. The mantra plays on repeat in his head.  
“Can’t get enough?” Buck winks and it shouldn’t be adorable, he thinks, but it is.  
“Ha. Actually..” His words trail off before he takes a deep breath. “What are you doing Saturday night?” His son has a sleepover, so Eddie figures it’s the perfect time to go for it.  
Buck leans back against his jeep with his arms crossed, making his shirt hitch up, revealing a smooth piece of skin. “Nothing, why, what’s up?”  
“Umm, well.” He reaches back and rubs the back of his neck. How was asking Buck out romantically more terrifying than going off to war? “I wanted to know if you wanted to go out, you know on a date…” He holds his breath and waits, waiting for the rejection, laughing.  
“Oh..um…” Buck laughs slightly, but it’s off. It feels wrong. That’s not how Buck usually laughs.“What about..what about Christopher?” It’s sweet of Buck to think of his son, and Eddie knows Buck loves his little boy the same way Eddie does.  
“He’s got a sleepover. At Hen’s.” Buck looks back at the firehouse briefly, then back at Eddie.  
“She knows you’re asking. Asking me out?” Panic crosses his usually calm face.  
Eddie shook his head. “No. But she assumes we were gonna hang out. If you don’t want to go, it’s fine. We can totally forget this ever happened and I’ll see you on Sunday.” He didn’t want to lose their friendship just because he’d fallen for his best friend.  
“It’s not that, It’s just...I didn’t know you liked me? Like that.”  
“Oh. Um,” Eddie holds his hands up. “Surprise.” And lets them fall against his sides as he can feel the heat creep up his neck.  
“I mean, can I think about it? You’re kind of coming out of left field here, Eds.”  
Eddie sighed. “I know, I know. I was going to tell you, and then I lost the nerve and everything kept happening and happening. So I kind of kept it to myself. You don’t have to tell me no over a text, Buck. You can tell me no to my face, we can forget I ever asked, and we can go back to the way we were before I opened my mouth and stuck both feet in it.” Folding his arms across his chest, he waits for the implosion of the best relationship he’s ever had. Because he didn’t know how to not love someone who is important to him and now, once again, he’d gone and fucked it all up. Buck scrubbed a hand down his face and when he moved it away, for the first time, the expression on it was unreadable to Eddie. Usually they could read each other like a book, and now, it was closed to him. He so badly wanted to force it back open, but knew it was probably locked tight, and Eddie didn’t hold the key.  
“I just want a day to think about it, Eddie. You’re standing here telling me you want to go out on a date, when I didn’t know you even liked me, romantically.” Eddie was one of the best secret keepers, so of course Buck wouldn’t have known. Maybe he should have told him sooner, but well, he was horrible with words.  
“Alright. If it’s no, don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I’ll talk to you later. I need to go pick up Christopher.” He turned to his truck, trying not to let any emotions play on his face.  
Hugging Buck would feel weird, especially with everything hanging in the open. He’d just told Evan Buckley he liked him. And asked him out. He wanted to puke. And God, what was he twelve?  
He shook his head at himself and got in, didn’t bother to look over at Buck as he backed out of his parking space, and out of the parking lot.  
***  
“And then Marcus decided it was disgusting...DAD!” Eddie shook his head as he lifted it from where he’d been staring at his phone to Christopher who was looking at him with a frown.  
“I’m sorry, buddy, what were you saying?” He usually paid more attention to his son, but at this precise moment, he’d been elsewhere and that made him feel horrible. He needed to get a grip.   
“I was telling you about how David was trying to eat a pill bug at recess. Are you okay?”  
Kids. Of course it was about bugs. “I’m fine, Chris, but please tell me you didn’t eat a bug?” He foresaw a trip to the doctor.  
Christopher scrunched up his nose as he munched on a carrot while they sat at the table. He shook his head. “Ew, no. They’re gross, but Marcus did. And then he got sick.”  
“Well, hopefully Marcus learned his lesson. Now, what do you want for dinner?” It was Friday. Usually that meant pizza, but hopefully his son wanted something else.  
Christopher tilted his head, looking at his dad funny. “It’s movie night.” That usually meant pizza. Chris hoped his dad wouldn’t cancel movie night because of whatever went on at work.  
“I don’t… ” Eddie started just as a knock sounded on the door. Buck didn’t knock. Eddie stood and kissed Christopher’s head, heading for the door.  
He was puzzled when he saw a delivery driver from one of the local Italian places. He hadn’t ordered dinner yet. “Can I help you?”  
“Diaz?”  
Eddie frowned. “Yeah, but I didn’t order anything.”  
“Someone must have. It’s been paid for so..” Right as he was about to ask who, or if the person had more information, his phone signaled an incoming text message.  
_Buck: Dinner is on me. We didn’t plan for me to come over for a movie night, but Christopher needs something besides Pizza. I ordered from that Italian place Chris liked that one time. Enjoy._  
“Well, I guess that answers that. Thank you.” Eddie reached for his wallet and handed over a tip, then took the bags.  
He noted Buck hadn’t answered him, but let it go as he took the bags into the kitchen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck has a lot of things to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little self-loathing on Buck's part. Though I don't mention the specifics about the Canonical ARC that we all hate, I do allude to it quite often. 
> 
> Thank you big to Reb who Edited the hell out of this story and who continues to let me scream at her about it. And to Cookie and Zee who pass on music to me to keep me going.

Evan Buckley had looked death too many times in the face to be scared of much. The one thing he’s terrified of? Losing the people he loves. Maddie left, only to wind up with an abusive asshole for a husband and nearly died trying to save herself. He loved the family he’s made at the firehouse. He was afraid to walk out of a fire without them, that’s why he goes in first. He hadn’t known Eddie Diaz from a hole in the wall, but Cap had wanted him with them, had recruited him even, so Buck did the only thing he knew how, he’d jumped right into the fire next to the man when he wanted to pull a live grenade out of someone’s leg.  
Since then, they’d formed a friendship. A bond that was unlike most. They’d been through hell and back. Literally. Then Eddie almost died and Buck’s entire world crumbled with it. He didn’t exactly know when he started to fall in love with Eddie Diaz, but all he knew was he had. He was fine with Eddie not knowing. It was better that way. Eddie couldn’t leave if he didn’t know. Eddie couldn’t vanish onto an airplane and never call him. If Eddie didn’t know, he’d stay. So when Eddie asked him out, he felt frozen. Had he been that obvious? And since when did Eddie even...he stopped that train of thought and decided not to dwell on it. He needed to clear his head for a few hours. Usually, that happened with the Diaz boys, but since right now he couldn’t, he did the next best thing by sending them dinner.  
Hopefully he hadn’t overstepped, but he was hoping with them being so close, Eddie would give him a little grace, especially right now. Eddie wanting to take him on a date rocked the very foundation he’d been building since the well collapse. Eddie was alive, Buck was happy to be allowed in his space, allowed to be in Christopher’s life again. It was okay. Loving them like he did, from afar, but close, was fine. They didn’t need to rock the boat. He, they, were happy with the way things were. Weren’t they? Blowing out a breath, he stood and headed upstairs to get ready to spend time with his sister.  
***  
“You’re strangely quiet,” Maddie commented as they sat at the coffee table to eat.  
Buck put his chopsticks down, frowning at her. “No, I’m not. You’re just extremely chatty tonight.” He smiled, hoping she’d forget that he really had been quiet. But knowing his sister, he’d have no such grace as far as his life was concerned. Especially now.  
Maddie snorted. “No, seriously, you’ve barely said two words unless Chimney and I ask you a question. What’s going on?”  
“I’m eating, and before that I was drinking. Plus,” he waved a hand towards the television, “movie.”  
Chim laughed and earned an elbow in the gut for his trouble.  
Maddie looked at her brother, head tilted. “Did you have a fight with Eddie?” She was teasing, he knew. He tried to stop the wince, but by the look she sent him and Chimney’s eyebrow raise, he knew he failed.  
“Not everything is about Eddie, okay? I just have stuff...” _‘I wanted to know if you wanted to go out, you know on a date,’_ “...On my mind, alright.” He pushed his food to the side and grabbed his beer.  
“Hmm, I doubt that.” She giggled into her drink. Of course she wasn’t drinking, drinking, but that didn’t mean his sister didn’t giggle, especially when it came to teasing him.  
“Just drop it, Mads. Did you guys pick baby names yet?”  
He knew he could only deflect for so long, but Maddie was excited about the baby, she was happy, and alive, and had found the actual love of her life. It made him so grateful she ran when she did. Now, there’d be a new baby to spoil.  
“No. We have lists and lists and lists,” Chim told him with an exasperated look. Obviously they didn’t agree on something.  
Buck laughed, absently picking at his dinner again. He knew he needed to give Eddie an answer, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it right now. Rising, he went and tossed his empty beer bottle into the recycling. As much as he loved his sister, and her happiness, he wanted to be alone just then, so he didn’t grab another beer, but his hoodie from where he tossed it over a hook on the door.  
“I’m gonna go,” he told them when he came back into the living room.  
“What? Why?” Maddie frowned at him, eyes narrowed.  
“I told you, I have a lot on my mind, and like you said, I’m not the best company right now. I’ll see you soon.” He kissed the top of her head, leaning down to give her a squeeze.  
“Buck,” she whispered his name and he bit back a sigh. He didn’t want to get into it with her, especially with Chim there.  
“I’m going home and going to bed. Love you.” He was out the door before she could reply.  
***  
Once he got home, he got dressed for bed, and laughed when he looked at the clock. He was twenty-nine and going to bed at ten p.m. After crawling under the blanket, he turned the t.v. on for light and background noise and took out his phone. All he had to do was text one word. It was his best friend. He was always game to go out and do something. Be in Eddie’s orbit. Existing in the same space for a while. And one word was dividing them like he was about to cross the Pacific. It was terrifying. A date would change everything. It was different when they were doing things with Christopher, or having a video game night.

A date meant an effort to say the right things. To do the right things. He couldn’t casually bump his shoulder into Eddie’s and smile at him as they talked if they went for a walk after being out, could he? He couldn’t see him on Sunday for work without it being awkward, and they’d never been awkward. It wasn’t who they were as a team, but a date meant work wouldn’t be as casual as it was. And if the date lead to actual dating? Eddie had the potential to rip his heart into an irrevocably shattered mess. He wanted, needed, Eddie and Christopher in his life... but if he and Eddie dated, it could be taken from him. Whether by work, mother nature, or when Eddie eventually got tired of him. Or when he was fed up with how much energy it was to date him, how exhausting he was. He couldn’t risk it. He’d rather just stay how they were then be broken again. His job meant everything to him. He couldn’t lose it for a third time. He’d never recover from the loss. He set his phone down, pulled the blankets over his head, and didn’t answer Eddie about the date.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finishing up the previous night and a whole new day is starting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I just want to bang their heads together. These two share a brain cell when it comes to NOT! talking about things. Apologies for these two not getting it together....YET. 
> 
> You're getting the regularly scheduled Tuesday update to cheer ;) you up so you're not bummed out about not getting one. I'm bummed I didn't get my book today so I'm making everyone else feel better!

Eddie sighed as he looked down at his phone. It was midnight and Buck hadn’t texted since the dinner message. It was nice that he thought of them, and Eddie had told him as such over a text message, but he never got a reply. It was like what happened with the lawsuit all over again. He couldn’t go through with losing Buck again. Only this time, it wouldn’t be a bomber’s fault. No, Eddie had fucked this up all on his own. Of course, Buck didn’t like him like that. He was just overly affectionate and tactile. Evan Buckley was a people person. He liked Eddie as a friend and that’s where it should have stayed. But the night Buck was hanging thirty feet in the air outside of a metal death trap, Eddie realized he loved him. It was why he was so disgusted with Buck making the promise he did.  
There was no one else he trusted with his heart more. And now? It felt like his chest was constricting around it, crushing and squeezing. He couldn’t do it again. He tossed his phone down and tried to get some sleep, but he just kept staring at the ceiling. The last three years played through his head. How Buck was just there; at every major turning point in the last few years. He slipped so easily into their lives, like he was always meant to be there. It was a long time before Eddie’s brain finally let him get some sleep.  
***  
After getting in a workout with Christopher, and then spending some time with him in the morning, he headed over to Hen and Karen’s to drop him off for a sleepover. It was oddly nice to see the kids of the 118 getting together. It made sense, especially with how close their team was. It was important. At least he thought so. “Remember to be respectful. And to use your manners,” he reminded Chris. He chanced a glance in the rearview mirror, just in time to see those little eyes roll.  
“I know, Dad.”  
“And call if you need anything at all.”  
“Okay, but Denny and I are going to play Legos and video games.” Ah to be a kid again.  
“And, don’t forget you’re going to see Harry for a bit, too.” Eddie hit the blinker at a light and waited.  
“What are you going to do, Dad?” He expected the question, and usually the answer would have come easily. _Hang out with Buck_. But today, that answer wasn’t one he could give. The ache he felt last night, the one that was conscriting around his heart, grew.  
Eddie swallowed thickly along the lump that formed in his throat. He smiled, peeked at Chris in the rearview.

“Boring dad stuff. The grass needs to be mowed, and laundry needs done. We can’t walk around all smelly.” He scrunched up his nose and turned around, making sure Chris saw it before turning the corner.  
Christopher laughed, making Eddie smile. There was nothing on the planet like his son’s laugh and it never failed to make him happy. Today was no exception. He needed the small things, like that laugh. He’d fucked everything up again, but there was one thing he was learning he did right. He had Chris.  
He pulled up in front of Hen’s and got out, walking around to help Christopher down and grabbed his son’s bright red backpack. He looked around and noted someone didn’t kill the plants in the front yard like he’d done to his own. It was an explosion of color and reminded him of Abuela’s. Karen answered, a smile in place extending her arms out for a hug before leaning down to tell Christopher what the plan was for the sleepover. She made him laugh, soothing the ache he carried further. Then, Christopher and Denny were off down the hall and Eddie was ushered into the dining room for some coffee.  
Hen walked in from the kitchen, setting coffee cups down and looking at him curiously. “No sleep? Did you and Buck stay up late playing video games, again?” She laughed.  
Eddie shook his head. “He went to Maddie’s last night, as far as I know. I just couldn’t sleep.” He shrugged it off. It fucking hurt talking about Buck right now, but of course they were going to talk about him. Why wouldn’t they? The two did everything together and yes, Buck was often there on Fridays. But last night was Buffriday at Maddie and Chims.  
“Well, at least you’ll be able to get some today. You can go home and nap.” Karen’s eyes were bright as she laughed.  
Eddie fiddled with the coffee cup in front of him, giving them a half shrug. “Maybe, but there’s also laundry, the lawn, something’s wrong with the bathroom outlet.”  
“So you’re going to be an actual adult?” Hen teased.  
“I know, I’m boring.” He smiled a little.  
They chatted for a bit longer before he said goodbye to Christopher and then headed home.  
Besides the lawsuit, this was the longest time frame that Buck hadn’t texted him. He had to accept that maybe Buck didn’t want to go on the date, and that their friendship was going to be changed, because he could no longer hold back his feelings. It’s not like he wanted to ruin their friendship, but being trapped, under all that water, dirt, and god knows what else, changed him and he decided he might as well just admit his feelings. Look where that got him.  
Pulling up to his house, he bit his lip, had to try one last time.  
_Eddie: Hey, I don’t know why you’re not answering, but I just want to say I’m sorry for making it weird. Invitation for dinner? Even as a not-date?I don’t want this to ruin our friendship and I’m sorry if it did._  
He didn’t expect a response, so pocketing the phone, he headed inside to start cleaning, and being a boring adult. He tossed off his shirt, leaving him in a tank and sweats, turned on Spotify on his phone and started to straighten up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Buck's turn to contemplate his and Eddie's relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two want to stay in Angst-ville sorry!

Buck had to remind himself he wasn’t a coward. He’d gone out with a lot of people. Accepted dates, turned them down all the time. He knew how to answer a fucking text message and send them himself. Yet every time he looked at his phone, his fingers felt frozen, the breath backed up into his lungs and he couldn’t make himself pick up the fucking thing. He left it lying on the bed this morning while he started his day. Coffee, breakfast, light workout. He cleaned up around his place, tossed some laundry in, and then headed upstairs to get dressed for the day. He needed to get out of his head and there was only one way to do that. To run.  
Since the truck bombing and the embolism that nearly killed him, since the tsunami that he was pretty sure had killed him for a couple of hours after he’d lost Christopher, he’d been getting back into running. He had to baby his leg a bit, which sucked, but it was the movement, the repetitive feel of his feet hitting the pavement that provided the best meditation no yoga girl or class could have ever offered. He snatched his phone up, because he was not, as his team liked to tease, stupid. Besides, the phone held all his music and audiobooks on it.  
Snagging a water bottle and filling it, he snagged his keys from the bowl and headed down to his jeep, almost bouncing. He needed the run. Maybe it would help decide everything, maybe it wouldn’t, he just knew he needed out of his head. He got in and let his phone sync, forgetting about the unread text messages. They lit up, and he ignored them, then turned on his music and headed for the park.  
He didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing. He wanted, for one damn time in his life not to fuck something up. Buck wanted someone to stay. He wanted to be loved, but eventually Eddie could leave, or get tired of him if they started dating. Not to mention, he had Christopher to think about. And his huge gigantic family. He’d met them and liked them well enough. Isabel liked him and Pepa did as well, but that didn’t mean they would approve of him as a romantic partner for Eddie. What would they have to say about him dating a man?  
***  
Buck sat down on a bench, breathing labored, as he drank from his water bottle. He looked at his phone and noted the distance and time on his app. Not bad. At all. Even with a crap leg. He wasn’t going to be running any marathons or tough mudders, but it wasn’t a half bad time. Once his breathing and heart rate returned to normal, he stood and stretched, taking in the scenery. California had been home for quite a while now, and every once in a while it still took his breath away. He headed back to his car and knew he had to give Eddie an answer. Either one would change their relationship. There was more on the line than just accepting a date from a guy that was stupidly hot and sweet. There were multiple layers, big layers. He had to wonder if Eddie thought of them. He had to have, right?  
Leaning his head against the warm headrest of the driver's seat, he closed his eyes as he waited for the air conditioning to kick on. Eddie wouldn’t have asked if he hadn’t factored all that into it, right. Groaning, he rubbed at his forehead. He ran into burning buildings. He had scaled a derailed train car thirty feet in the air. He had survived a tsunami, but figuring out what to tell his best friend about a fucking date has him afraid of his phone! Can he be more of a kid right now? When the air finally started to cool, he closed his door and headed home, still not sure either way of any damn thing.  
He was thinking about ways to make sure he still kept the bond and friendship he and Eddie shared when ringing came through his speakers, almost making him swerve off the road and scaring the shit out of him.  
“H-hello?” He didn’t look to see who it was, and hoped to god it wasn’t Eddie.  
“Hey, Buck.” Chimney’s voice came through the speakers and Buck let out a breath of relief.  
“What’s going on, is Maddie okay?” He felt his chest tighten for a different reason. His sister’s been through a lot and even if they were all in a relatively good place, that still didn’t stop the panic from coming. Especially since the takeover at the call center.  
“She’s fine, she’s fine. The baby is fine, too. I need your help.”  
“What’s wrong?” Chim rarely called him and him asking for help was not that common. He’d said Maddie and the baby were fine.  
Chimney sighed. “Nothing is wrong, well, not really. I need to ask you something and I don’t want to do it over the phone.”  
“Um..okay, now I am worried. What’s going on?”  
“Can you meet me for coffee?” Whatever this was, Chim obviously didn’t want Maddie to know about it.

And now that his sister was pregnant, he had his suspicions as to the sudden offer for coffee.  
“I’m actually driving home, I need a shower and some food. You can come over, bring food?” It was nearing noon, close enough to lunch time to eat. If Chim wanted to talk, then he was buying lunch. Of course having the other man over just meant delaying giving Eddie an answer.  
“Alright. I’ll see you in a half hour. Ruben with the works?” The simple act of Chim remembering his usual deli order made him grin.  
“Of course. I’ll see you in a bit.” He hung up and went to call Eddie, but stopped. What would he say, considering he’d yet to answer any of the man’s texts or given him an answer about tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come scream at me on Tumblr @kitkat0723


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie has a much needed conversation with someone important to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the major slow burn. It wasn't me! I didn't do it.
> 
> This chapter is probably one of my favorite I've ever written and I've written A LOT in the last three years. So that's saying something. 
> 
> Enjoy? They'll get there eventually I promise!

Eddie had an endless amount of time in front of him. And a dinner reservation he hasn’t yet canceled. With a push of the lawn mower into the shed, chores were done. The place he’d chosen wasn’t anything fancy, but he knew it was nice. He could ask someone else to go, but it would have made it more awkward than it already was. Sitting on the sofa after coming inside, he pulled out his phone and let loose a sigh. He was feeling every bit of the teenager he wasn’t. He scrolled through his call list and found the restaurant's number. He canceled the reservation, then tossed his phone down. There really was nothing for him to do. Snagging the remote, he tried to find something on one of the streaming services, but he lost interest quickly. He wanted to talk to his best friend. He wanted to see Buck and apologize. Get them back to where they were.  
When sitting in the house threatened to drive him mad, he took a quick shower and then got dressed, pocketing his phone. He needed to get out of his head. Jumping into his truck he took off, no set destination in mind. He turned music on for the company. As he pulled up to the gates of the cemetery, he drove through, the ache in chest just getting bigger. He shouldn’t have come, but his life was already out of control. They buried her near one of the small gardens, filled with daisies and lilacs and lavender, those were the ones he knew of. The others were a mystery. Shannon would know, she’d always liked flowers. Stopping the truck, he climbed out slowly, the sound of denim scraping against the door loud in such a quiet, sacred place. He stuck his hands in his pockets as he walked over the grass to her grave.  
Her first name with his last shown in the warm sun. The stone was white, an angel sitting on top. Beloved daughter, _mother_ , written below the day she entered the world and the day she died in the back of an ambulance while heading down an L.A street. He ran his hand along the angel, the white stone cold despite the sun.  
“Hey, Shan,” he started feeling a little ridiculous. But he had no one else to talk to. Might as well talk to the dead. “I fucked everything up again. Guess I was always good at that, huh?”

It wasn’t the best way to start, and for that, Eddie felt flayed open beyond repair. Still, he continued, “I’m sorry. I didn’t say it when you were alive, I know, but I am. For everything that made us go to shit. For not being there. For not being the man you needed. For not giving you time. Even after you came back.” He took a deep breath and sat down in front of the stone, leaning his back against it. He closed his eyes, words left unsaid bottled up behind a tongue not used to saying them.  
“I’m so fucking sorry I failed at everything. Somewhere between hearing you were pregnant and being dragged off to war, I forgot it wasn’t just me anymore and you were caught in the crossfire. You know, you were my first best friend. And we fell in love, and were having fun, the time of our fucking lives. And then you got pregnant and the world stopped for a minute, then it felt like it was spinning out of control. It still is. In the last ten years, all I’ve felt is things slipping from my fingers, one after another. And just when I thought I had something that was just mine, I screwed up again.” His laughter held no light. “You probably want to hear more about our son though, don’t you? Christopher is… Christopher is doing so good in school. Straight A’s and _God_ , he’s a whiz with math and science. The science, I think it’s because of Buck, but he’s amazing at it. The way his face lights up when he knows he’s got the answer. It’s a rush to see. And I’m so fucking sorry you’re not here to see it. I’m sorry for-”  
He broke off because the tightness in his chest just kept getting worse. He could feel the tears trying to leak out of his eyes and he just can’t deal with that. Not like this, where anyone could see him. He’s always the strong one; tears solve nothing, he knows this. “I asked Buck out, and I know, I know I shouldn’t have. But, I love him, Shan. He’s been there, through a lot. He saved our son. He was there for me after...you.”

_I just wasn’t, when he needed me._

  
Eddie stopped talking after that, letting his unsaid confession float between the two of them. Leaning back against the stone, he soaked in the quiet. He’s never done well with quiet, too many things slithering in between breaths to bring up everything that’s ever gone wrong. But here, with only the dead for company, silence feels right.  
***  
After a while, he rose, wiping the back of his pants with his hands. Bending, he placed a brief kiss to the stone. “I’ll bring Christopher next time. I’m sorry I didn’t bring you flowers.”   
He walked to his truck slowly, taking his time to get in and drive out of the cemetery. He could feel the misery cling to him like wet ash, leaving his skin feeling grated. He stopped to grab lunch and then headed home. Perhaps a night with just himself would do him some good. The plan sounded brilliant until Eddie remembered that he’s so used to having someone fill the space, the silence, that he’s not sure how a quiet night would help take him out of his funk..  
He ended up dozing on the couch, the sound of The Umbrella Academy playing in the background. Jerking awake at one point, he blinks, thinking something is wrong. When nothing seems amiss he breathes a little easier. Sitting up, he wipes sleep from his eyes. It’s just after three. Still no texts or calls from Buck. Perhaps the truth was already set in stone. Hopefully it didn’t affect work, but he wouldn’t be shocked if there was an opening on Bobby’s shift for another man on the truck. Scrubbing a hand down his face, he rises from the sofa taking his trash into the kitchen. He’d just come back in with some water and was trying to pay attention to the show, when his phone sent out his text tone. Taking a deep breath, he picks it up from the coffee table. The message is simple, but ignites a cautious flare of hope.  
_Buck: Can you meet me for coffee? We should talk._


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Eddie talk face to face and it seems like their spinning in circles, maybe they are?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My computer tripped and fell into some angst. SORRY!

He knows his text message has been read, he keeps waiting for a response. Maybe this was how Eddie felt yesterday when Buck didn’t reply to him. Already he was fucking things up. Wiping his hand on his jeans, he looks around the coffee shop, the busy ebb and flow of people. He knows what they see when they glance at him, or their eyes pass over him briefly. A lonely guy sitting solo at a table with two cups. He knows what they’re thinking, he’s thought the same of someone else, even if it was mean. But that was then. This is now. Right now, it’s his future on the line. It’s everything.  
His leg bounces., He’s never been good at waiting. Besides, he doesn’t even know if Eddie was going to show up. He figures coffee is nice and safe. They’ve done the coffee thing before. And truthfully, they’ve done a lot of other date things before. But that was as friends. It was before the well, before he realized, before this. He grips the side of his leg to stop himself from running his fingers through his hair. He took the time to fix it, even though it’s not for work. He wasn’t about to screw it up again. The Ruben Chim had gotten him for lunch sits heavy in his stomach threatening to make a reappearance. The door opens again, pushing in some of that California heat. He takes a deep breath and looks up, hoping this time, it’ll be Eddie walking through the door.  
His face falls when it’s not. He’s starting to get that familiar pull in his gut. He felt it the first time Abby walked away, and again when he left her at the airport. He felt it again laying in a hospital bed, his leg in traction and his girlfriend smiling at him and telling him she can’t do this. He fucking hates this feeling and he swore no one else would make him feel it again. Now instead of just his stomach dropping, he feels his heart ripping, pulling at the stitches he used to put himself back together after Abby never spoke to him again. After Ali hightailed it to New York. It was slowly starting to come apart minute by minute when no text came and Eddie didn’t walk through the door. Except this time, if the strings were all the way pulled apart, he’d be done for.  
He felt them split open the first time when he realized Christopher was gone and the feeling of being dead inside during the tsunami. He felt it again during the shittiest time in his life, when he had to pull back from his family. His seams came apart again after all that dirt and mud fell on top of Eddie. He doesn’t realize until his coffee feels too hot against his hand that he’s torn the holder it was in into bits. Scowling he scooped up the little bits of cardboard and rose from his seat and went to throw them away. When he turned back around, intending to take Eddie’s coffee and just toss it, the man himself stood at the door.  
Buck stopped dead in his tracks, trying to remember how to breathe. He’d actually shown up. He wore a pair of black jeans and a white t-shirt. He looked around and when he saw Buck, he smiled, but it wasn’t an Eddie smile. Not a real one anyway. He’d seen this smile before. It was the one he gave when he was faced with people who’d known Shannon, but didn’t know him. It was careful and controlled. He pointed to the table he was just at, where Eddie’s coffee sat in front of one of the chairs, and waited until Eddie started walking towards it to move. He slowly lowered into the chair, staring into familiar amber eyes. Neither one said anything, they just kept looking at each other.  
Eddie was the first to pull away from their staring contest. He picked up his coffee and settled back against his chair. Their knees bumped together, shockingly familiar. He took a deep breath and looked over at Buck.  
“I was starting to think I’d have a new team member come Sunday.”  
Buck snorted a little. “Right, and let you guys have all the fun? Been there, done that.” He smiles, letting him know it wasn’t a means to drag up the past. Just a reminder of it.  
Eddie shook his head, but a small smile flashed behind his coffee cup before he sat it down. “You wanted to talk. Like I said, you could have told me no yesterday.”  
Buck passed a hand over his face. “It’s not that I wanted to say no Eddie. You caught me completely unaware. I go from thinking my best friend is just a friend, to finding out he has romantic feelings for me. It threw me for a loop.”  
Eddie sighed, and sat up a little straighter, his thigh still resting comfortably against Buck’s. “Okay, that was my fault. I’ll admit it. I didn’t want you to know, because I didn’t and still don’t want to fuck this up. You’re important to me, Evan, you’re important to Christopher.”  
Buck was pretty sure his heart just skipped a few beats at the sound of his given name coming out of Eddie Diaz’s mouth. Fuck.  
“I know we’re important to each other, but there’s other things to consider here, Eddie. There’s work, there’s Chrstopher, there’s your family.”  
Eddie smiled at him and sipped from his coffee, not speaking for a minute. “Do you think I didn’t consider all of that? Because I have. My family has always known there was a possibility of me being with another man. I just chose to date and marry Shannon.”  
“What about Christopher?” He was the most important person to worry about.  
Eddie pulled away a bit and Buck immediately missed the touch of him. “If you and I started dating, nothing really has to change. Sure, there won’t always be time for this.” He moved his hand between them. “Or alone time, but we’d just continue to do what we already do. With work, there’s paperwork, I imagine.”  
“And the next time one of us goes headfirst into a burning building, what’s the other one going to do?”  
“The last time you went in, I was right behind you. That’s how we work. That’s why we work.”  
Buck blew out a breath. Maybe it was wrong of him to assume Eddie didn’t think things through. Between them, Eddie was the level-headed one. The one who always thought about things, new truck notwithstanding, then acted. He had to be that way because of his son. It was one of things Buck loved about him. And here Eddie was, having thought about everything, still wanting to go out.  
“Listen.” Buck pushed his cup of coffee to the side, his eyes locked on Eddie’s. “I don’t want to fuck this up. This friendship we have, what we are to each other, I don’t want us to become screwed up. Dates and things, they could screw us up and it’s the last thing I want.”  
Eddie pulled back even more, he could feel it. The words that he’d spent most of the time waiting coming up with were coming out wrong.  
“I already canceled the reservation. And, hey, we have a friendship, and nothing’s going to change that, unless you decide you can’t deal with me having feelings. Thank you for at least thinking about it. I need to go.” Eddie pushed back from his chair and grabbed his half cup of coffee.  
Buck had a moment of panic, and reached up, wrapping his hand around Eddie’s wrist. Eddie looked down at his wrist, then up into Buck’s face.  
“That’s not what I meant, Eddie, dammit!” he muttered. This was already becoming messed up and he hadn’t meant it to. And a coffee shop in the middle of L.A was not the place to get into a deeper conversation.  
“Then what in the hell did you mean, Buck?” Eddie moved to sit back down so Buck let his wrist go.  
“I meant, I want us to work, without us screwing up our friendship. I don’t want to lose you and I’m happy with being friends, but I’m not going to lie. I'd like us to be more, I’m just unsure.”  
“We don’t..” Eddie paused. Buck knew he was trying to find the right words. He slowly released a breath. “Look, I don’t want to get into this here. Come by for dinner. I’ll spring for Chinese. And nothing has to happen.”  
Buck blew out of breath. Dinner with Eddie, alone, at his house. He’s done it before. He can do it now. Even though everything in his life was riding on this one conversation. “Alright. I need to stop at my place first. Meet you at seven?”  
Eddie nodded, standing up again, this time Buck joined him. “Alright. Seven.”  
He slapped his hand down on Buck’s shoulder, much like he did when they were walking into a fire together, then turned around and left the coffee shop. Buck grabbed another cup of coffee and hoped like hell his words would make actual sense tonight.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At dinner a truth is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna knock their heads together. Maybe that'll help.

Since the house was clean, there wasn’t anything for Eddie to do with the time while he waited for seven to roll around. He tried to calm his nerves. Besides, they did dinner all the time. There was no reason for the nerves. He turned on some music to help calm himself down, listen to the tracks to one of his favorite foreign films soothed his nerves.  
Eddie knew Buck’s biggest fear was everyone leaving him behind. He wanted to make Buck see that he wasn’t going anywhere. Even if he didn’t have much to offer him. Eddie scrubbed a hand down his face. Rising from the sofa, he headed for the kitchen and went to grab something to drink. Pulling out his phone, he texted Buck, just like usual.  
  
_Eddie: I’m springing for dinner. Drinks are on you. I forgot to grab some at the store._  
  
 _Buck texted him right back this time. Which considering the hours he spent yesterday ignoring him, was surprising._  
  
 _Buck: Alright. And this time make sure to order extra egg rolls. I’m not sharing. :P_  
 _Eddie: But it’s so much more fun to steal yours! But fine, I will order extra. See you in a few._  
The conversation was so normal, and soothed some of the ache that had settled itself inside of him yesterday.  
Funny how time seemed to speed up after meeting Buck for coffee. He called and ordered what they always ordered, and for the hell of it, and because he was a dad who didn’t get to watch t.v by himself a lot, he cued up a movie. Normal. That’s what they needed to get them back from whatever weird edge asking his best friend on a date had put them on. Just dinner because Buck didn’t have a date and Eddie was a single parent who didn’t go out, even when he had the opportunity to. He headed down to the bathroom and just as he was washing his hands, he heard the familiar sound of his door opening and closing.  
“Be out in a second! Dinner’s not here yet!” He called out.  
“Alright!” Buck had called back to him.  
Eddie took a deep breath and dried his hands then left the bathroom and headed down the hall.  
Buck was sitting on the couch, head leaning against the back, eyes closed. He looked up at Eddie when he walked completely into the room. The blue eyes he’s come to love were filled with wariness. He’d seen the expression before. When he dropped Christopher off after the tsunami. Eddie chose to sit across from him in one of the chairs. The six pack sat on the coffee table. Neither one said anything for a very long time. They just stared at each other or the t.v flashing the screen saver. They both jumped when the doorbell rang.  
“You wanna put that away?” He pointed to the six pack as he stood up. Buck nodded and waited for him to leave the room before he stood up. Eddie paid for the food and brought it to the living room.

Sitting the bag down, he picked up his beer and opened it. Sitting on the floor at the coffee table was a normal thing for them. When they had dinner together, it was usually in the living room because of a movie one of them had wanted to see, but wanted to wait to watch it with the other person. It was awkward in a way it’s never been and he hated it.  
“Better eat before it gets cold. You hate cold egg rolls.” Eddie tried for a smile and was relieved when Buck rolled his eyes at his “dad” move.  
“I’m..” Buck started, then shook his head, sliding off the couch to sit on the opposite side of the coffee table on the floor.  
“Listen,” Eddie continued to pull food out of the bag. “It’s just dinner and talking. I told you, nothing’s gonna happen, unless you suddenly can’t trust me.”  
Buck looked at him, offended. “Of course I trust you, Eddie. I’m just not sure what the hell is going on. The past two days have been confusing.”  
“Okay, what’s confusing you? Other than the fact that I asked to take you out to an adult restaurant where there was nice food? It never had to go beyond that. We’re friends, Buck. Asking you out wasn’t supposed to change that.”  
Buck scrubbed a hand down his face. “But it does, Eddie.”  
Eddie picked up a wanton and bit in, chewing over the bite and Buck’s words before speaking. “Okay, how?”  
“For one thing, there’s this.” He circled his hand, indicating the two of them. “There’s Christopher seeing you with someone else that’s not his mother. There’s everyone at work, their banter is only going to get worse. Your family, they’ve never seen you with anyone but Shannon.”  
Eddie shook his head. “Not true. They’ve seen me with you plenty. Pepa even asked me if we were dating.”  
Buck spit the sip of beer he’d been drinking up. “What?!”  
Eddie nodded, digging into his food. “Mmmmhmm, after the well.”  
He tried to keep his mind firmly on the present and not go back forty feet in the earth to his almost grave.

“Oh.” was the only response said before Buck was staring down into his food. Buck didn’t say much and once again, confusion and something else crossed his face. It was so frustrating to not be able to read Buck.  
Taking a chance, Eddie needed to understand where they stood with each other. The only way to find out was to ask. “One question, and then we can just drop the conversation, because it’s making you uncomfortable and this is a movie I actually want to watch.”   
Eddie was willing to table his feelings since they obviously freaked Buck out. No big deal. He’d dealt with them in silence this long, he could do it again.  
“Okay, what?”  
Eddie took a deep breath and had to search his brain for the right words. He was never good at them and for something this important, he didn’t want the words to come out wrong. “Is there more than friendship between us? If there isn’t, I promise you, I’m not going anywhere. We’re best friends. That will never change.” He reached for his beer and tried not to let the panic clawing at his chest make him flee. Buck just stared at him, like he was trying to let him down easy. He looked everywhere, but at Buck’s face.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will staying friends be enough or is Buck willing to go for more?

Staring at the side of Eddie’s head, since his face was pointed towards the television blinking with the pink and purple screensaver, Buck tries not to jump at the impulse to say everything that’s been bottled up since yesterday after work. He wants, needs Eddie to understand, they need to have this conversation. It’s going to be a mess, but they’ve made it out of worse together, they can do this. It’s not that he doesn’t want it, because he does. He wants Eddie, and Chris, and everything that goes along with that, but he can’t help but feel it’s all too sudden, that it’s a joke or something. He doesn’t want to start something only to have Eddie leave.  
“Yes, there’s more, because it’s you, it’s us, it’s, fuck, Eddie.” He finally turns to look at him. “It’s what I want, but eventually you’ll want to leave, or want to take everything back, and there’s no coming back from that. I don’t know if I could handle it again.”  
He feels much like he did when he was waiting for Eddie at the coffee shop. As if the seams of his body are coming apart. A loose string caught on something and as he moves, it just keeps unraveling.  
“I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want to fight with you. I have the answer to my question. We’re going to eat, watch a movie, then I am going to bed and picking Chris up early.”  
“Eddie...” Words lodged somewhere on his tongue want to come out, but nothing does. He can’t make his lips move. Everything was getting fucked up.  
He needs to talk to Eddie, they have to have this out. They both admitted to liking the other. Biting his lip, so the emotions don’t spill over and ruin everything, he takes a deep breath.  
Eddie is clearly trying not to look at him, but it’s hard not to when they’re sitting across from each other like this. He’s trying to act like everything is normal. But his shoulders are tense, his posture somehow got even straighter after their conversation. Buck wants to take it all away, but he can’t. They can’t risk their friendship, can they? He wished he had an answer.  
“You’re sharing that,” Eddie pointed over to the egg drop soup Buck had slid over to his side of the table.  
“Am not. You know I hate sharing.” Eddie knows when it comes to Chinese, Buck doesn’t share. But he can see the way Eddie is smiling, even if it’s not quite right, that he’s trying.  
“Mmmhmm,” was all Eddie said before they both dug into their food.  
The conversation was easier then, even if they hadn’t cleared a single thing up. They really needed to. Eddie said they were going in circles and Buck couldn’t tell Eddie what was going on in his head because it was too much to unpack. Maybe if they eased into it slower, instead of Eddie hitting him like a damn lighting bolt, maybe it wouldn’t feel so rushed. Maybe it wouldn’t feel like a desperate attempt to cling onto something real. Had he even told his son he liked men? Explain to him that it was okay to? Okay not to? He said he did, but sometimes Eddie didn’t have the words and it had probably been more awkward silence than conversation. Besides, Chris was only ten.  
He cut himself off after the second beer, knowing he had to drive back home later. The movie was just as ridiculous as Buck figured. And they weren’t really watching it so much as making stupid comments back and forth about it. It’s nice, it’s them. It’s the way it was. But now, that little hum below his skin that’s always there whenever he’s around Eddie is louder, and he has to push down everything. If Eddie can act normal, so can he, besides, they’d gone this long without either of them telling the other anything about liking each other.  
Once the movie is over, they start to clean up and usually Buck would grab one more beer and the spare blanket from the closet to crash on Eddie’s sofa, but tonight, he skips the beer and the blanket. Instead, he tells Eddie he’ll text him when he gets home, and leaves with Eddie leaning against the opening of the hallway.  
He texts when he gets home and goes through his nightly routine, the day playing through his head. Chim was going to ask Maddie to marry him, and with the baby coming in just a few short months, Chim wanted to start looking at houses. It was a big step, but he was happy for his sister. His life was as it usually was, in turmoil, chaos, and up in the air. He didn’t want to screw up the best friendship he’d ever had. He wanted to do this right. After brushing out his hair, he heads to bed, tossing the covers back, and crawling in. LA speeds by in a blur of lights against the brick of the loft.  
He lies awake for a long while, staring at the ceiling listening to the sounds of his apartment settling. Eventually his life will make sense, he knows this, but right now? It feels as if he’s floating adrift and can’t get his footing. He hates it. Abby left because she couldn’t stand L.A and by the sound of her not apology, him. Ali left because seeing him get hurt and realizing he still wanted to do his job was too much for her. And Taylor had totally Buck 1.0’ed him. Rolling over, he groaned into his head as every mistake in L.A wound through his head. But then it changed and there was Eddie and every moment after stepping out of the ambulance. There was Christopher and all the fun they’d had all together. There was Eddie looking broken as he stood near his ex-wife coffin.  
The Eddie he hadn’t been able to reach when everyone left to go back home. The one who felt backed into a corner until Buck pushed his way past the wall. The Eddie who was lighthearted and carefree inside the walls of his own home, the real Eddie. The one Buck loved the most. He couldn’t lose that. They’d have to settle for being friends. But was it enough anymore?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie asks a friend's advice and things get awkward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update because I'm feeling cozy and comfy and just want to spread love. Enjoy! 
> 
> For cookie. Hopefully you like me again soon! 😂

They were in sync at work, talking and joking like this past weekend hadn’t been days spent confessing feelings and figuring out there was more, but neither willing to step over the line for the other. Christopher even asked to go to Buck’s and, of course, neither of them could tell him no. So plans were made for video games and dinner. It was the way it was before. The way they both wanted it. Grabbing the tools Bobby needed, Eddie slammed the toolbox on the truck and tossed something to Buck, who caught it one-handed in the air.  
They worked shoulder to shoulder freeing the person from the car. Words didn’t need to be exchanged between them. Sometimes they were like two bodies with one head. Once the call was done, they hopped up into the truck, knees knocking together, smiles at each other. They lingered a little longer than was proper, but no one said anything, at least not that time. There were always the little jokes, how they just needed to pull their heads out of their asses and get together. They rolled with it, laughing and rolling their eyes and telling everyone they were just friends.

Wednesday rolled around and Eddie picked Christopher up from school, smiling as he stood back and watched Chris get himself into the truck. “Ready to see Buck?”  
“Always ready!” Chris tossed his head back and laughed, grinning at Eddie.  
Eddie ruffled his hair and stepped back shutting the door and then hopped into the driver seat. They talked about school, and what Chris learned that day and Eddie talked about a call from the previous day, omitting some of the weirder details his son didn’t need to know at his age. Once they got to Buck’s they rode the elevator up and Eddie knocked, even though the door key was sitting loose on a ring of its own on his key ring. Buck opened the door, smiling once, then crouching down and holding out something for Christopher to see.  
“Thank you, Buck!” Chris through his arms around Buck’s shoulder and Buck laughed, hugging Christopher closer.  
“You’re welcome, bud. And I got all your favorites so you can help me make dinner. Sound good?”  
“Yeah!”  
Buck let him go and stepped back, so Eddie and Chris could step into the apartment. He set Chris’s bag on the table, the boy sitting down and starting his homework. There was nothing much for Eddie to do since Buck clearly wasn’t speaking to him. Sliding his hands into his pockets, he rocked back on his heels as Buck walked back over and sat a snack at his son's elbow.  
“I guess I’ll get out of the way.”  
Buck frowned at him as he sat at the table. “Why?”  
“So you and Chris can have your time. He asked for you.”  
“You can stay, I bought plenty for dinner.”  
“I’ll be back later.” Eddie stepped over and gave Chris a hug and kissed the top of his head.  
“Love you, Dad.”  
“Love you, Kid.” He smiled at Buck and left the apartment. This wasn’t supposed to screw them up. Eddie had a feeling falling for his best friend did exactly that.  
“Eddie!” He turned at the elevator, frowning at Buck who was walking down the hall towards him.  
“Everything okay?” He’d only walked a few feet. Surely there couldn’t be anything wrong with Christopher.  
“Stay for dinner, please. It won’t be the same without you.” Buck was looking at him, his face twisted, blue eyes a little sad.  
“Chris wanted some Buck time. I figured I’d let the two of you hang out and do your thing. I’ll grab a plate when I come to pick him up, alright.”  
Buck blew out a breath. “Alright, if you’re sure.”  
Eddie nodded. “I am.”  
“Okay. Listen about the other night…”  
Eddie stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back on the heels of his boots. “Don’t worry about it. I told you. Our friendship is important to me. I don’t want to lose that. We can put feelings aside.”  
“Eddie.” The elevator chose that moment to show up, so Eddie stepped on and gave Buck a smile. “Don’t let Chris have the run of the place.”  
He smirked as the elevator door closed then leaned back against the back wall and blew out a breath. How did everything get so fucked up?  
It was time to settle things, put them back to normal. Eddie acted like his, their, confessions weren’t hanging in the open between them. They rode to work together when they could, laughed and joked. It was like how it was before. Nothing amiss, no feelings. Two best friends doing practically everything together. Thinking about denying himself what he felt for Buck hurt, but he could get over it. It wasn’t the first time his feelings hadn’t been reciprocated. He dealt with it then, he can deal with it now. Except he’s not fifteen and crushing on Jimmy Southerland. At least telling Buck how he felt didn’t end with a fist in his face. Rolling his shoulders he stepped off the elevator and made his way out of Buck’s building.  
***  
Eddie looked up and smiled as she walked into the coffee shop giving a little wave. He fidgeted nervously with his own cup of coffee as he waited for her to purchase hers and join him. He sent her a half-smile, half grimace as she pulled out the chair across from him.  
“Well, this is a surprise. Why are we having coffee here and not at my dining room table or yours?”  
Eddie chuckled, taking a sip from his hot coffee. “Because your wife might tease Buck at work if she knew what I wanted to talk about. And she’d tell Chimney and then they’d both put us through hell.”  
Karen sighed and took a sip of her java chip iced mocha. “Fair enough. There a reason you don’t want her teasing Buck?” She looked at him pointedly.  
“When Chris and Denny had the sleepover last week I asked him out. He told me no?”  
Karen reached across the small tabletop and patted Eddie’s hand. “I’m sorry sweetie. You okay?”  
Eddie gave a shrug. “I guess? I’m not entirely sure. I told him he could tell me, no and we can forget it ever happened. Go back to being best friends. Except we did have dinner that Saturday, but it wasn’t a date and we just talked in circles.” Eddie pushed a hand through his hair, blowing out a breath.  
“Hold on let me see if I can unpack all this. You asked Buck out? And he said no?” Eddie nodded. “And then told him you two can go back to being best friends.” Another nod. “Then had a non-date dinner? That same night?”  
“Pretty much. We talked in circles. He said there was more than friendship between us when I asked him. I don’t know what to do.”  
Karen shook her head at the way Eddie and Buck were not communicating. “Have you told him how you feel?”  
Eddie’s eyes grew large as he opened and closed his mouth, no words coming out. Karen sighed. “You know you have to actually communicate if you want this to work between the two of you, right?”  
Eddie sipped his coffee and didn’t say anything for a bit of time. “I know you have to communicate in a relationship, but I can’t exactly ask him out then tell him I’m in love with him all the same time, can I?”  
Karen sucked in a breath and reached for her coffee before she jumped in with both feet about Eddie’s confession. Slowly she put the cup down, searching Eddie’s face. “You’re in love with Buck?”  
Eddie shrugged. “Have been, Am, will be.”  
“And he said he has feelings for you?”  
“Yes, but we got into a not-argument? He was worried I wasn’t thinking us being together through, and I had, I have. As he pointed out, there’s more than just the two of us at stake. I don’t know what to do or how to make him see we could work.”  
“Well, maybe try talking to him.”  
Eddie made a distressed noise and dropped his head onto the cool tabletop. Karen laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come scream at me on Tumblr @Kitkat0723


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie and Buck finally make time to talk and a certain little Angel starts to work his magic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, I didn't mean to hop on board the angst express when I started this. I only looked away for a second. This is all Buck and Eddie. I am but a plot device in which receives their words to give to you.

When the elevator doors shut, Buck stood there a long time looking at the metal feeling lost and out of place in his own buildings hallway Remembering Christopher, he turned and walked back to the apartment, words swirling in his head.  _ Don’t go. Stay. I love you _ . But none of them came out. He let Eddie go again, because his tongue got thick and his heart slammed into his throat. It always happened when he wanted to say the important things to Eddie.    
Chris was sitting at the table, still working his way through his math homework, his snack long gone leaving the empty blue bowl at his elbow. His blond hair fell slightly to the side as his pencil moved across the paper. He didn’t need as much help as he used to with the problems, but Buck still makes sure he knows when he does homework at his apartment, Christopher can ask for help. Buck took the bowl and ruffled Chris’s hair, earning him one of the boys blinding smiles.    
Placing it in the sink, Buck leaned against the counter for a minute before turning and grabbing the pots and pans he’d need for dinner. It would keep his mind off of things.    
“Hey Buck?” Buck looked over his shoulder to see Christopher sitting at the table, his hands folded on top.    
“What’s up, buddy?”    
“Are you gonna have to stop being a firefighter again?” Buck didn’t know what to say to that. Turning he headed for the table and pulled the other chair out, giving Christopher his full attention.    
“Why.. Why do you say that?”    
“The last time Dad left me here for ‘ _ Buck Time’ _ is when you couldn’t be a firefighter anymore. And then we went to the pier..”    
Buck blew out a breath, running a hand over his face. He reached out and pulled Christopher over to him and onto his lap. “I don’t have to stop being a firefighter until I retire. Your dad and I are just trying to figure adult stuff out. That’s all.”    
Chris looked up into his eyes. He was trying not to sniffle, Buck could tell. “I don’t want you to go away again. I want you to come over and have movie nights and video game time with me and dad. And go places with us, like you always do.”    
Buck’s heart broke a little. “Oh, buddy. Hey, I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I will still come over for game time and movies. We’ll still go to the park and everything. Nothing is changing, I swear. Sometimes adults, people,” Buck amended, “have days where they don’t communicate well with others, or they have to work stuff out on their own. Your dad and myself just have a lot of adult things on our minds. I’m not going anywhere again.”    
“Promise?” Christopher’s eyes bore into his.    
“I promise. Let’s get your homework done so we can have some fun.” Buck tried for a smile, but if Christopher noticed what was going on between him and Eddie, did everyone else know too?   
“Okay!” Christopher scrambled down and to his own chair, once again picking up the pencil left sitting on the table.    
Together they managed to finish the boy's homework and then began to play some games, until Buck headed for the kitchen, leaving Christopher to play some video games on his own.    
Sitting down to dinner without Eddie was strange, even though Christopher and him kept up a constant string of conversation, it felt  _ off _ . There was a step missing in the everyday and Buck hated it. He wanted them to go back to normal, but every time they talked about anything personal, they felt like a record skipping. Something had to give. Chris and him settled in for a movie, waiting for Eddie to come back and grab Christopher then head for home. Popcorn sat in the same black stone bowl it always did, right in the middle of the table while Sadness and Joy tried to find the happiness inside of a little girl.    
Buck thought it was an interesting concept on how to teach kids about mental illness and emotions. Christopher settled in and Buck settled back, his fingers running through sweet darkened blond strands. It was easy and comfortable. They laughed a lot at Joy and Sadness’ antics on screen were pretty accurate in Buck’s opinion.    
“You know,” Christopher started to say, then shifted to look back at Buck. “Before today, you and daddy weren’t sad when you were together. But you and him were both sad today.”    
Buck’s brain stopped functioning with the ten year olds admission. Eddie did make him happy. But being happy wasn’t all there was to being  _ everything _ they were. “Sometimes adults have sad days, bud. I’m not sad today just thinking about a lot of things. As for you dad, I bet he has stuff on his mind too. It’s okay to have sad days, and thoughtful days, and happy days. I had a happy day today.”    
Christopher looked up and smiled. “I had a happy day too.”    
Buck ruffled his hair and they settled back to finish the movie. When it was done, Buck chose a superhero movie next, Christopher falling asleep in the middle of it. The movie was mostly done when he heard the door shut with a thunk! Easing Christopher down to the couch and grabbing a throw pillow for his head, Buck set Christopher up in a makeshift bed before Eddie walked fully into the space.    
“I didn’t think it was that late?” Eddie looked at his watch then frowned. Buck didn’t think seven was that late, but then again he wasn’t the parent of a special needs child, no matter how much he loved Christopher, or Eddie.    
“It’s no big deal. There’s a plate of dinner in the oven for you, do you want me to heat it up?” Buck slid his hands into his pockets to prevent himself from picking at his nails. 

“I really should get him home..” Eddie looked around the space, then out of one of the windows.    
Buck scrubbed a hand down his face. They couldn’t keep doing this. It was putting a strain on both of them, and their friendship. Maybe Eddie thought they could continue going on how they were before, but the heavy stagnant air hanging between them proved otherwise. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The way the two of them are standing, facing each other, reminded Eddie of a wild west shootout like the ones on the westerns his Abuelo loved. Except he’s not sure who would be quicker on the draw, him or Buck. He knows though, right now, they’re both wounded and hoping the bleeding stops before there’s nothing left to sustain them anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the Angst is almost over. Your guess is as good as mine. Two idiots in love. What can you do.

The way the two of them are standing, facing each other, reminded Eddie of a wild west shootout like the ones on the westerns his Abuelo loved. Except he’s not sure who would be quicker on the draw, him or Buck. He knows though, right now, they’re both wounded and hoping the bleeding stops before there’s nothing left to sustain them anymore. The air in the apartment blankets them, heavy in its embrace. Neither of them have spoken in at least three minutes. He should grab Christopher and go, make it easier to avoid the huge elephant sitting in the corner and making itself comfortable. Buck slowly pulls his hands from his pockets, staring down at his nails, then starts to pick at the cuticle on one of them. It’s one of the signs that Buck is nervous, doesn’t know how to fill the silence. It’s awkward. It shouldn’t be this bad between them. It’s not supposed to be. If he doesn’t say something soon, Buck will start chewing on his lip, another tell, another little  _ tick  _ to let those who know him, he’s uncomfortable.    
“I guess I can let Christopher sleep for a minute. What did you cook anyway?”    
Buck lets loose a breath that could probably be heard from down the hall. “Pasta carbonara. Christopher likes it, told me it was one of his favorites when I would watch him.” He grinned and Eddie felt his stomach flip at the sight. It had been a while since the look was aimed at him.    
“He does, Shannon…” Eddie stopped. It wasn’t the time to dig up memories or old ghosts.  _ Shannon made it twice before she died. It was our last meal as a family..  _ “Anyway, I’m sort of hungry, so I could eat.” Turning on his heels, Eddie headed for the kitchen.  _ Ghosts followed no matter how far you think you could run from them _ .    
Buck’s kitchen, at least the parts Eddie knows how to use, is familiar, a safe place inside of a safe haven. He’s been in the space enough time to know where everything goes at least. Opening the oven, he takes the foil wrapped plate out. He could probably heat it up in the oven, but Buck’s kitchen is pristine and Eddie doesn’t want to embarrass himself trying to figure out how to turn it on. He’s a wreck in the kitchen, he knows.    
Taking off the foil he slid the plate into the microwave, setting it for sixty seconds. He leaned up against the counter while he waited, hearing only the sounds of the Incredible Hulk filling the air. When the microwave beeped, he took his plate out and then walked over to grab a fork from the drawer. Buck was sitting at the table, his thumb picking at the cuticle of his ring finger. Eddie walked over and sat down at the table, not saying anything and started to eat. Maybe if he kept his mouth full of food, it would circumvent the need for a conversation he knows would just end up with the two of them walking away with more scars than they carry now.    
Taking his first bite of the pasta, he gave Buck a thumbs up, making the younger man laugh. It was a sound he hadn’t heard often in the last week or so, and when he did, it was usually at work. With others around. Never when they were alone anymore. The thought made his tanked mood, tank further. Rising, he headed for the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water.    
After taking a drink and sitting back in the chair he usually sat at, he asked Buck what he usually asked after a day with Christopher. “How was Chris?”    
“Finished his homework, made a pretty impressive rocket, smashed it. Played video games, helped me with dinner and also asked me if I had to stop being a firefighter again.”    
“Good, I’m glad he...wait, what?” Eddie looked up from where he’d been watching the condensation on the water bottle fall to the stained oak table.    
Buck made a noise, then pushed a hand over his hair. “He was doing his homework and I was getting everything set up for dinner. He asked me if I had to stop being a firefighter again because the last time dad left him for  _ ‘Buck Time’ _ , I had to stop being a firefighter and we went to the pier.”    
Eddie felt his stomach recoil at the news. “Shit. I didn’t even.. Was, is, did you talk to him?”    
Buck nodded. “I told him I didn’t have to stop being a firefighter again and that we, you and me I mean, were working on adult stuff and that I would still come over for movies and go to the park when I could. He also told me you seemed sad today. Everything okay?”    
Those blue eyes that turned him to pieces, that reached into his soul every damn time were looking at him with the most earnest expression. Usually he didn’t mind it, found it peaceful sometimes. Tonight it made him feel raw and vulnerable. Eddie pushed his plate away, the pasta not appealing in the least anymore. Blowing out a breath, he looked away before looking back at Buck.    
“Everything is okay, for the most part. It just.. It feels weird between us. I know that’s my fault, that I did this to us. I made it awkward and heavy, and it wasn’t the intention I had when I asked you out or asked if there was more between us.”    
Buck said nothing for a moment. He sat there looking at him, those cobalt pools searching, seeking answers. Eddie hated it. Nothing was the same, nothing was easy anymore.  _ Why _ his brain wanted to know,  _ did I have to fuck this up too? _ __   
__ They both winced and looked over to the living room when Buck’s chair scraped against the floor. Christopher slept on while the television flashed white and black against the walls, the movie over.    



	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much like that long ago day, they’re facing off, neither one willing to concede a side. It hurts, but how do you make the next move when it feels like your feet are frozen in concrete and you’re standing in quicksand?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're trying at least? Listen, I am trying to make them HAPPY. They refuse to let me!!!

Looking back at Eddie, Buck took a deep breath, then looked down at the table. He’s not sure where to start. “There’s always been this more between us, Eddie. Some days there’s moments when I think  _ ‘this is it, _ ’ that you’ll get fed up and somehow disappear. There’s other days where our hugs, and touches, last longer than necessary. I don’t know what to do with those days. It’s easier to just stay friends because it would hurt less? I guess? I do know we can’t keep doing this.” He moved a hand in a circle between them. “It fucking hurts that there’s whatever the hell this is, making itself at home here. I want to go back to being just us, but we can’t.”    
Taking a deep breath, Buck waited. He chanced a glance at Eddie, saw how his words affected the other man. Eddie seemed to recoil into himself. Buck braced his feet against the floor, waiting for the blowback his words caused between them.    
“I didn’t..” Eddie shook his head. “We already do everything together. It was supposed to add to us, not put this...this distance between us. At least this time we can still talk.”    
Buck winced. That fucking lawsuit would forever haunt him. It hovered in shadows like a snake waiting to strike and take a bite. It was always lingering in corners, mocking, laughing. “Eddie..Listen.”    
Eddie stood up from the table, grabbing the half eaten plate of food, stepping away from the conversation. Gathering himself for disappointment, the let down, Buck knew. He stood up, and walked up next to him, letting the counter hold his weight, everything going on inside him. Saw the other man’s body go rigid. “I’m afraid.”    
Brown eyes snapped up to his, shock in their gaze. “You don’t get scared.”    
A humorless chuckle left his lips.  _ I’m afraid you’ll walk out the door one day and never come back.  _ “I’m afraid of how badly this could end if we start something. I’m scared this is some weird ass dream or alternate reality I’ll wake up from at any moment. I’m fucking terrified that everything I feel for you will never be enough to make you stay.”    
Eddie turned from where he was gripping the sink. The look on his face, Buck can’t decipher. “Evan,” Eddie started. Buck was thankful the counter was holding his weight because hearing his given name coming from Eddie’s mouth made his knees weak. “I’m not going anywhere. I want this, I want you, but if it’s not what you want, then we can be coworkers, we can even try to be friends again. I’ve..” Eddie stopped speaking, and Buck wished for once one of them was good with words when they mattered. “Buck, I’m not leaving you. The only thing I want is my chance to prove to you I’m not like Abby. I’m not going to leave you because of your job, like Ali did. You’re what I want. I don’t know how else to convince you of that.”    
Much like that long ago day, they’re facing off, neither one willing to concede a side. It hurts, but how do you make the next move when it feels like your feet are frozen in concrete and you’re standing in quicksand? “What do you want me to say Eddie? I don’t have the right words.” It felt like he ran a marathon. The aching in his chest that’s been there for a week won’t leave.    
Eddie moved, planting his feet in front of him. Buck stood up, the counter still taking most of his weight. The shift between them was heavy and thick in the air. “I want you to say yes. Not to dinner, not to whatever. I want you to say yes to me. That you want to give everything we are a shot. Stop running and being afraid.”    
Buck looked at him, biting his tongue. The words are there but it wasn’t the time to take cheap shots. Especially with someone like Eddie. If it was anyone else he would have. “I want this. I want you. I’m apprehensive about everything that could go wrong.”    
“We don’t know what will go wrong if anything, if we don’t try, Buck.”    
Taking a deep breath then two, Buck went for it. He reached out and hated how his hands shook. Carefully, he pulled one of Eddie’s hands into his, their fingers slotting together like the spaces in between each finger was made for the other man’s to fit there. “Is this okay?”    
Eddie just nodded. Buck knew it was a big deal. They had held hands before but always palm to palm, nothing this intimate. They stood in the kitchen, no words passing between them. It wasn’t as awkward as it should have been, as it could have been. It had felt nice to share a personal touch with someone he loved. Eddie’s palms were different from a females, obviously. But despite the calluses on them, they were still smooth. Neither moved, just stood there looking at each other, back down to their joined hands, around the room. 

“We should sit, talk, something? Right?” Eddie’s gaze flicked to him and then away again.    
“We should most definitely sit and talk. Do you want to sit at the table or go upstairs? The bed is more comfortable, and Christopher is sleeping.” He wasn’t trying to talk Eddie into his bed, there would be other days, hopefully for that.    
“Ah, maybe another time? School night and all of that.” Eddie looked uncomfortable.    
Shit. “Right. Sorry.” He let go of Eddie’s hand, shoving it into his pocket immediately.    
“Hey, it’s only because Chris has school or I would most definitely want to sit and talk.”    
“Okay.” What more was there to say?    
“Maybe this weekend? We can do something? The three of us, or just the two of us?”    
They had made a mess of things again.    
“Sure. I’d like that. Either one, doesn’t matter what.” He tried to smile, but he knew it came off wrong.    
“Great. I’m gonna,” Eddie jerked his thumb over to the couch.    
“Sure, I’ll get his stuff.” They retreated to their respective places. Safe things. Everyday things. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie and Buck are taking things slow. really slow...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, I am sorry this is taking forever and the boys keep going in circles. I am trying to make them happy. They won't listen to me!!!

Stolen glances, shoulder touches, half one-armed hugs hello and goodbye. Text messages about weekend plans, and sports. The two days after Buck telling him he wanted to be with Eddie were filled with normal things. Stuff familiar to him like his own arm. Jokes and comfortable banter. Fingers brushing against the others, a hand passed over on an arm. Electric sparks firing down his spine. He doesn’t let it show at work. At home, the text messages and memes Buck send put a stupid grin on his face. Friday greets them with an overcast day, promising to bring the mood down. Christopher, was uncharacteristically quiet, as he shuffled him off to school before work. Although the promise of spending Saturday and Sunday with Eddie perked him a bit.   
Shooting off a text to the team chat while waiting for traffic, Eddie is the one to stop for coffee before shift. Buck greets him with a smile and an offer to help carry in coffee when he pulls into the parking lot. Their hips brush one another as they head up the stairs, side by side.   
“We’re going out on Saturday.” Hen was saying as they step into the kitchen to deposit the coffee onto the counter.   
“What are you doing?” Eddie starts to pass out coffee while keeping up conversation.   
“Karen wants to see some movie, but we have no plans.” Hen goes back to her Sudoku.   
“Maddie and I are going to stay in.” Chim volunteered.   
“Athena has to work, so I’ll be at home while the kids are with Michael. What are you doing this weekend Buck?”   
Eddie doesn’t miss the quick glance his way before the younger man turns back their Captain. “Chores, movie marathon. I may go for a run or two.”   
“No bar hoping?” Doveny, one of the ladder guys raises his eyebrows as he steps into the kitchen at the tail end of the conversation.   
Buck shook his head. “Not interested anymore. I’m sure if you ask around, someone will go with you.”   
“I’m going to drive out and see my girl.” He takes a cup of coffee and heads to the other side of the loft, leaving the others to shrug it off.   
After breakfast, chores are distributed, man behind gets decided. Eddie’s on bathroom duty, while Buck is clear across the station. When Eddie’s phone goes off for a text message two hours into shift, he digs it out of his pocket.   
_Buck: What are you and Christopher doing this weekend?_ _  
_ _Eddie: He was kind of down today, so I may take him to the Science center or out for Ice cream. Wanna go?_ _  
_ _Buck: If you want me to._   
Eddie debated for a second before responding to the last text. He’s about to answer when the bell goes off. It’s two hours later and after back to back calls, when they’re finally back and get a chance to sit and eat. He pulls the chair out next to Buck and drops into it. Picking up the sandwich he managed to put together, he leans over, more into Buck’s space than he’s allowed himself through all of this mess. “I always want you with Christopher and Me.”   
Crystal blue eyes go wide, red mark above it brighter as a pink flush breaks out on the other man’s cheeks. Buck turns back to his own plate looking down. The alarm stays quiet until the rain starts to fall at a steady pace outside. None of them like working in the rain, and today it feels especially hard. He lets the mood roll off of him like the rain off his turnout. He’ll deal with it all later like he always does.   
Twenty-four hours later, shift ending makes him almost want to cry. He’s barely awake, rubbing grit from his eyes. Changing takes every last reserve he has. He feels a hand on his shoulder, looks up to see Buck, the same wariness that’s been in his eyes all week.   
“Come back to my place with me. You’re barely standing. We’ll catch a Lyft or an Uber.”   
Perhaps it’s because of the bone-deep exhaustion, or maybe he’s tired of this endless merry-go-round he’s put them on, but he agrees. Pulling out his phone, he holds it up. “I’ll see if Pepa can watch Christopher for a few hours.”   
“Alright.” Buck walks away, pulling his own phone from the pocket of the sweats he’d pulled on.   
The front wall of the station holds them up, brick warmed by the morning sun. The heat from the sky makes him feel even more sleepy, lulls him to close his eyes, head resting against Buck’s shoulder. The half walk, half shuffle to the uber should have made him chuckle, instead, it makes him grin. Especially when Buck lays head against the window and his arm around Eddie’s shoulder. The crook where Buck’s shoulder and neck meet feels like the fluffiest pillow he’s ever had. When they pull up to Buck’s loft ten minutes later, they both get out of the car with a protesting groan.   
Somehow they both make it inside. Eddie intended to go right to the couch, it’s comfortable and he can be horizontal for a few hours. Instead, Buck takes his hand and tugs him upstairs. The two of them fall onto the bed in sync with each other. When Buck’s arm falls across his waist, it feels like they were made to fit together. A deep breath of Buck’s freshly washed sheets later, and Eddie is asleep.   
Blinking awake five hours later, Eddie isn’t surprised to see the sun was lower in the sky. Turning his head, he watches Buck sleep for a minute. The easy rise and fall of his chest. He turned towards Eddie in sleep, so Eddie can’t see his birthmark. The loft is quiet, no sound can usually be heard unless the patio or windows are open. The brick is illuminated in hazy oranges, light yellows, soft reds. It paints the upstairs in dream-like hues. He watches his partner sleep, peaceful. Buck’s entire body was relaxed, there was no trace of the tension he’d been carrying around.   
With regret, Eddie slipped out of bed. He needed to pick up his truck and his son. Padding down the stairs, he slipped his shoes on and grabbed his phone from his bag. There was a text message from Hen asking if he and Buck were okay, but he could answer it later. Checking both Uber and Lyft for times, he ordered Lyft and then walked over and pulled a bottle of water from Buck’s refrigerator while he waited. He wasn’t avoiding Buck but did need to get home. When he got the message the car was waiting outside, he grabbed his bag and pulled the door shut firmly behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr to tell me how much you hate this @kitkat0723


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys spend a much needed day off together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE! HAVE SOME DAMN HAPPY! 
> 
> Screw this year y'all just screw it all.

When Buck opened his eyes, he was shocked to find the loft dark. Had they overslept? Only the glow the city lights passed through the windows. He went to nudge Eddie awake but found the sheets long cold and empty. Sitting up, he passed a hand over his face, then slid his feet into his slides. Heading for the bathroom, he wondered where Eddie had taken off to, or if all of that had been a dream? He stripped and showered because neither he nor Eddie had had a proper one, they’d simply fallen into bed.   
Buck couldn’t recall the last time sleep had come that easy or had been that peaceful. After his shower, he headed downstairs, turning on a few lights as he went. His bag still lay near the door, shoes beside it, Eddie’s things gone. He tries not to let it get to him. The feeling in the pit of his stomach. They’d fallen asleep together plenty at the station, but nothing had felt more intimate between them than holding Eddie as they both slept on. Buck knows they both have issues, demons that make themselves at home inside of them. But when they were together, the light banished them away.   
Picking up his phone he sees a missed call from his sister, shoots off a replying text to let her know he’s just woken up and that he was okay. He debated calling Eddie, and just as he was about to hit the other man’s speed dial notices the time. Christopher would just be going to bed. Sighing, he slumped down onto one of the stools at the counter and sent a text to Eddie.   
_Buck: Am I really that bad to sleep next to that you couldn’t even say goodby_ e?   
He waited for an answering reply, not expecting it to come in the form of a phone call.   
“Hello?”   
_“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I wanted to stay, but I didn’t want to be any later picking up Christopher.”_   
“You could have left a note, Eds. Or wake me up.”   
On the other end of the line, Eddie let out a defeated sigh. _“I didn’t want to bother you. You looked really peaceful and when I left, I figured you’d wake up and call.”_ _  
_Buck rose from the stool and headed for the fridge. “This can’t be a one-way street. We both have to make an effort if we want this.”  
“ _Listen, I apologize I didn’t leave a note or even wake you up. I’m not used to…”_ He let his words trail off and Buck heard the tale-tale signs of his favorite kid in the universe step into whatever room Eddie was in. _“Can I..”_  
“Yeah or just text me. Did you still want me to tag along for Ice cream or whatever tomorrow? I can always find something to do alone.” Maybe.   
_“Sure, we can come get you at eight?”_   
“That works. Talk to you later.”   
“Later.”   
Slipping the phone onto the counter, he leaned against it, sipping from his water bottle.   
***  
The next morning, he’s prepared for the quick two quick taps on the door. Opening, he tosses a smile at Eddie, then crouches down and opens his arms to Christopher. The little boy steps into them, squeezing a bit. “Ready for some fun?” Buck asks as he pulls away.   
Christopher smiles and he knows there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do to make sure the smile stayed there. “I always have fun with you and Dad, Buck.”   
Holding up his hand for a high five, he smiles at the boy. “Excellent.”   
Standing back up, he tilts his head to the side asking a silent, ‘ _what are we doing?’_ to Eddie.   
“It’s a little early for Ice cream, so breakfast? And Venice?” Eddie’s smile is cautious as if Buck wasn’t going to agree.   
“Let me grab a sweater. You want some water or something?” Buck looks over his shoulder as he pulls a hoodie from the closet.   
“We’re good.”   
Buck turns and grabs his keys, gesturing to the Diaz’ to lead them all out to Eddie’s truck.   
The ride to Venice beach is filled with chatter and laughter. Sideways glances and smiles in the rearview as Christopher sang along with the radio. Eddie’s arm brushes his, sending jolts down his spine. Eddie stops at a restaurant for breakfast, and the hour is spent with more laughing, omelets filled with vegetables, waffles piled high with whip cream.   
They meander down the boardwalk, letting Chris walk up ahead. Stopping to smell the flowers, Buck buys a few carnations, making a flush creep up on Eddie’s cheeks when he’s presented with one. Christopher holds his flower in his hands, a piece of treasure undiscovered.   
They slip into a shop, looking at its various sundry items. Eddie buys Christopher a California tie-dye shirt because his son thinks the pattern is cool. Buck picks up a leather cuff, knows it’ll be perfect to wear with his leather jacket. Eddie insists on paying for it. Buck lets him because he doesn’t want the day to go to shit.   
When Buck spots the sign for frozen custard, it’s his turn to insist on something, claiming it the superior frozen treat. Eddie and Christopher tell him, no, but they enjoy it. By the time their cups are gone, so is half the day. They head back to the truck and Eddie wonders if all of them are too old for naps. Buck laughs and tucks the remaining flower he still carried into Eddie’s visor.   
“We can head back home if you’re tired, Eddie. Sometimes I forget you’re an old man.” Buck winks at him as Christopher laughs from the back seat.   
“I’ll show you old,” Eddie muttered as they head out of the lot.   
Buck reaches over the seat and takes one of Eddie’s hands in his. A questioning glance, small smile and silence greet him. If Christopher notices, he doesn’t say a word. Their fingers stay linked together the whole hour, thanks to traffic, ride home.   
Eddie parks in Buck’s space because he still doesn’t have his jeep back. Buck gives Christopher a piggyback ride upstairs, laughing all the way. It’s easy and fun, relaxed between them all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr to tell me how much you hate slow burns @Kitkat0723


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After spending the day together A moment happens in Buck's Kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost to the end my loves. Thank you for taking this trip with me. Cookie you can't scream at me unless you bring tea!

Eddie looks over to the counter with a sigh. Their dinner dishes are spread across the surface, burgers, and Boston Market, they couldn’t decide what they’d wanted, consumed. He knows he and Buck should clean up, or at least he should because Buck sprang for dinner, but right now he wants to stay in the small bubble they’d created today. Smiles, waves of laughter, looks, touches. Eddie sighs again as he looks over to his right. Christopher is sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table, bright paper and markers strewn across the worn wooden surface as he makes something from shapes and letters. Buck was standing out on the patio, phone to his ear. Maddie called twenty minutes ago and the conversation must be important for them to still be on the phone. Setting his beer down on the table, Eddie rises from his chair. Walking to the kitchen, he starts to put away the dishes, straighten up the mess that they’d created in Buck’s tidy space.   
The sounds of Mighty Mouse move through the apartment, and how Buck found those old DVDs, he’ll never know. Doing the dishes to the sounds of Cartoons is nothing new for Eddie, he just wishes they hadn’t used so many, but at least he only has to rinse them and then stick them in the dishwasher. Buck comes in right as he’s bending down for a dishwasher tab, he tries to stand, hitting his head.   
“Shi..oot!” He mutters, rising from his crouched position. Buck rushes over all concern.   
“Are you okay?” His hands move over the back of Eddie’s head, and it takes everything in him not to lean into Buck’s touch. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”   
Reaching up, Eddie cups Buck’s wrists lowers them. “I’m fine, Buck. you didn’t scare me. I was standing up.”   
Eddie looks up slightly and ocean eyes stare back at him. They both track their eyes over where the t.v was playing to check on Christopher before looking back at each other. Buck leans in, head tilted slightly, and Eddie can’t stand even the smallest distance at the moment. Their lips meet, soft, unsure. Everything inside of Eddie feels like he’s been hit by a bolt of electricity. His hands limply fall away from Buck’s wrists as the younger man pulls back. It was short, simple, but the whole world felt tilted until now like everything was waiting to be righted on its head.   
“Wow.” Three letters, one exclamation, but it feels profound somehow. Eddie can’t help but grin.   
“Wow.” He can’t help but repeat back to Buck.   
They both start to laugh, can’t stop until they hear the familiar clatter of crutches on the marble.   
“What’s so funny?” His son asks, looking at the pair confused.   
“I bumped my head and Buck made a funny face so I wouldn’t worry about being hurt.”   
“Oh. I’m getting kind of tired, are we going home soon?” He didn’t realize it was so late.   
“How about, you clean up, and then we can say goodnight to Buck?”   
“Okay.” Christopher turns and heads back for the table.   
Eddie looks over, wanting to make apologies to Buck, but as always, his partner won’t have any of it. “Don’t worry about it, we had a busy day.”   
“It was a great afternoon, though I’m still not convinced Frozen Custard is better than good old fashioned Ice cream.”   
Buck rolls his eyes. “Whatever you say, Eddie. Text me when you get home.” He goes to step into Eddie’s space, but Christopher walks back into the room.   
“Thank you for hanging out with us Buck.” Christopher stands next to his dad.   
“We had a good day.” Eddie ruffles Chris’ hair, as they stand there talking a few extra minutes before making their way to the door.   
Buck bids them goodnight, waits until Christopher is heading down the hallway before leaning over and kissing Eddie’s cheek. “Talk to you later.”   
  
Eddie can’t sleep. The day running on a loop through his mind. He tried working out, followed up by a hot shower, and still he’s restless. He stares at the ceiling before giving in and grabbing his phone from his nightstand.   
_Eddie: I can’t sleep, you awake?_ The answering text comes back quickly.   
_Buck: I’m just getting ready for bed. Why can’t you sleep?_ _  
_ _Eddie: Thinking about you._ _  
_ _Buck: Oh? Anything good?_ _  
_ _Eddie: About our day and what happened in the kitchen. Why is it always in your kitchen where we have moments?_ _  
_ _Buck: The kitchen is the heart of the home, Eddie. Where else would we have our moments?_ _  
_A smile breaks out on Eddie’s face. Relief floods over him. They’re back to them again. Taking a deep breath, he goes for it again. Maybe this time they wouldn’t run around in circles.  
 _Eddie: Idk, the front door after I drop you off from a date?_ He waits and waits before finally, his text tone fills the air.   
_Buck: When’s your next day off?_ _  
_ _Eddie: Wednesday. Christopher has therapy._ _  
_ _Buck: Can you find someone to watch Chris? You can come over, I’ll cook._ _  
_ _Eddie: I’ll figure it out._ _  
_They text for most of the night until Eddie feels his eyes get heavy. Goodnights are exchanged, with Buck promising to stop by in the morning. Eddie falls asleep with a smile on his face.  
***   
Eddie is in a much better mood than usual in the morning. It feels like the weight’s been lifted from his shoulders. Sundays were usually spent doing chores he’d put off during the week. After making sure Christopher has breakfast and is sitting and doing his required reading, Eddie sets off to do the laundry and sweep the floors. There’s countless other chores on his list, but laundry needs to be first. He’s just sweeping out the bathroom when he hears the front door open. A dopey smile breaks out on his face when he turns from the counter to watch Buck walk through the door.   
Buck greets Chris first, makes the boy laugh, making Eddie’s smile miles bigger. Nothing in the world is better than the sound of Christopher’s laughter, followed closely by Buck’s. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/comments make my day 
> 
> Scream at me on tumblr! @kitkat0723


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Eddie actually communicate! :O

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One More left to go! This chapter happens to be very personal to me. I've had the same experience Buck is describing. I've never looked back since. Being true to who I am is very important to me. 
> 
> Side note: I know the tense has switched nine thousand times, but I dislike tenses immensely and can never figure out how to stay in one at a time LOL! I hope you love this anyway!

Buck spends time with Christopher before going into the kitchen and hitting the button to start coffee. He figures Eddie’s been going for a while and could use the pick me up. At home in the Diaz kitchen, once the coffee is going, he peeks into the fridge and freezer. Spotting the tater tots, Eddie’s house is never without them, he pulls them out, then goes about making lunch. Grilled cheese and tater tots won’t take long to make. When Eddie walks in, heading for the laundry, he stops in his tracks, making Buck frown at him.    
The spatula in his hand drips butter onto the clean stove. “What?”    
“What are you doing?”    
Buck is puzzled. “Making Lunch? It’s already one.”    
Eddie shakes himself out of his daze. “Oh. Well, thank you.” Somehow it’s gotten awkward again.    
“You’re welcome. It’s almost ready if you want to finish up, then we should talk.”    
Eddie’s eyes dart to the doorway, then back to Buck and away again. “We should yeah, but.”    
Buck sighs and reaches over for plates. “We can find the time and space. It’s important.”    
“Let me finish this and we can eat.” Eddie pushes the mop bucket into the laundry space, Buck hears the water move down the drain as he plates lunch.    
They talk and laugh, it’s easy, carefree. Eddie’s legs brush against his. They steal glances from each other while talking to Christopher. Cleaning up is much of the same, stealing glances, watching as Eddie looks away, looks back. Christopher asks to go to his room to make something and Eddie lets him. They’re alone in the kitchen, the space seeming smaller than it usually did. Eddie grabs some soda from the fridge, opens the back door, and steps out and down the stairs. Buck follows him, taking the seat next to him rather than across from.    
Neither says anything for a few minutes, content with the sounds of the city. They’re much closer here in the Diaz backyard than they are in Buck’s loft. They sip their sodas, not speaking. Buck hates the silence, almost as much as Eddie loves it. Buck hates it because it reminds him of his childhood, of too many nights without his sister, of nights not knowing what to do, where to go, and of not being able to talk to the family he loved more than life itself.    
He jumps when Eddie talks, breaking the quiet. “You said we had to talk, I was waiting for you to say something.”    
Too much air fills his lungs at once, making it hard to breathe before he slowly releases it. “We never really talked the other day. I figured we needed to. You’re okay with holding hands, and we kissed.”    
He’s still a little dazed he kissed his best friend last night.    
“We did, and we should do it again soon.”    
Buck looks over and grins, then reaches over for one of Eddie’s hands. “We will but we have to talk first. What are you going to tell Christopher?”   
Eddie shrugs. “I haven’t figured that out yet. You’re always around, so you would be around more, right?” Eddie’s eyebrow wings up and Buck can’t help but laugh.    
“Obviously, Eddie.”    
“Right, he knows men can love other men, we’ve had the love is love chat. He’s only ever seen me with Shannon. I don’t know how he’ll feel about it.”    
Buck’s stomach twists a little at the thought of having to hide from his favorite person. He promised his nineteen-year-old self he’d never go back into the closet. “We don’t have to tell him if you’re not okay with it.” Buck sighs and looks down at their joined hands. “What about work?”    
“We have worked through more drama than the two of us getting together. We don’t have to tell them right away, and we can be professional at work.”    
“Yeah, we can.” When he picks up the soda, to take a drink, instead of cool and refreshing, it feels like a thousand bee stings.    
The hand in his squeezes tight. “You okay?”    
Buck clears his throat, tries for a smile. “‘Mfine.”    
Eddie scoffs, pulls him in even closer. Amber eyes, full of concern, meet his. “No, you’re not, Buck. What’s wrong?”    
Buck scrubs a hand over his head, looks out into the backyard before looking back to Eddie. “When I came out at nineteen I promised myself I’d never shove myself back into the closet. Not everyone at work knows I’m bi, but I do. And the people closest to me do. It feels like trying to keep us a secret is shoving me, us, this, into a closet.”    
Eddie’s hand drops from his and Buck presses his lips together, trying to hold onto letting his emotions go until he’s behind closed doors. It wasn’t for him to push Eddie out of the closet, he had to do it himself. He may love Eddie, but he needs to be true to himself too. They can still be friends if this is where they had to leave things. Everything was back to normal, sort of. They’d figure it out.    
“Buck, that wasn’t what I meant about work. I meant they don’t need to know our business. We don’t know everything that goes on in their relationships, and personal life, do we?”    
“Well, no we don’t. But we’re close. We knew when Hen and Karen were fighting when my sister found out she was pregnant.”    
Eddie hums a little in his throat. “That’s true. When’s the last time you hooked up with someone and told them?”    
“Not since… well, a while.” He doesn’t want to bring up Taylor again. How stupid that mistake had been.    
“My point exactly. We test the waters to see if we can have a relationship before telling anyone. But if anyone asks, we’re not single.”    
“It still feels weird, don’t get me wrong, I understand what you’re saying, Eddie. I do, but it still feels like we’re lying to people.”    
Eddie sits for a minute before smiling. Buck can’t fathom what he’s thinking. “Okay. I’ve never been one to back down from a challenge. How about we go see what Christopher thinks then we’ll figure out a way to tell everyone else.”    
Buck’s eyes shoot up, making Eddie laugh. He just said he didn’t want to tell his son and now he was. Buck is confused. “I thought you..”    
Eddie shrugs and stands up, holding out a hand. “Telling my ten-year-old has to be less terrifying than telling my Abuela. Come on.”    
Buck sputters. “Wha.. whaddya.. Eddie!”    
The older man just laughs. “Not today, but soon.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come Scream at me on tumblr! @Kitkat0723


	17. Epilogue : One Month Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Eddie come out at an event the fire fam attends. Buck knows everything will be fine... Eddie not so much. 
> 
> Set one month after Chapter 16.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG! It's finished. I cannot believe it's finished! Thank you for making it this far. I struggled the most with this chapter because I knew it had to be good. Hopefully, it is! 
> 
> I want to thank Zee, cookie, and Reb for letting me scream, rant, rave and cry at them (Reb saw a lot of tears y'all. IDK how she puts up with me! honestly I don't.) And for sticking this out until the end. None of us knew where this was going when I started it and they've all seen this in its rawest forms, so I am grateful to have them in my corner. 
> 
> Thank you, to all those who've read this whole thing, through all the long drawn out angst and Bs these two put us all through. I'm so happy you chose to read my work. Hopefully, this last chapter helps you smile after reading the mess that was this fic. I appreciate all of you.

Maddie and Chim’s engagement wasn’t a long time coming kind of deal, everyone was just waiting for it to happen and figured Chim would ask when he was ready. Even though Buck has said they wouldn’t be stealing his sister’s thunder by coming out as a couple at her engagement party, Eddie still was unsure. Since they’d been seeing each other for about a month, Eddie supposed it was time. Somehow Christopher had kept it a secret from his friends and their parents, but of course, his son loved the fact that Buck was now usually always over at their house. They only held hands around Christopher, or snuggled into one another, but stole kisses from each other when Chris wasn’t looking.   
Now? Their family would know. Eddie shifted in the passenger seat of Buck’s jeep the entire way to the restaurant, nervously looking over at Buck, then around the car. Buck doesn’t say anything, just reaches over, lays a hand on his thigh, giving it a squeeze. Eddie takes a deep breath, lays his hand over Buck’s. He watches as Buck’s eyes shift to the rearview mirror, catching Christopher’s. The pair of them hold a conversation about the gifts next to him and the card he made while Eddie tries to remember he knows how to breathe.   
Buck pulls into the restaurant, and Eddie has to blink twice. There really are that many cars. “Did they rent out the whole place?”   
Buck laughs, hand on the door. “Maybe? I’m not sure, it’s packed, but probably not all of everyone who was invited. I know we’re on the patio. If you’re feeling uncomfortable in an hour we’ll leave.”   
“I can handle it.” Eddie grumbles and steps out of the car, opening the back door for Christopher.   
Buck grabs the gifts and then takes Eddie’s hand with his free one. The restaurant smells like chiles and spices as they step in. The tables are full and Eddie can see tables lined with every Korean dish he knows and some he probably doesn’t want to. Making sure to keep his free hand on Christopher’s shoulder, they maneuver through the place, sidestepping chairs and conversations. They get a look or two, but Eddie just lets him roll off of him like he usually does. When they reach the patio, he can see it’s full. Along one wall a buffet was set up for people to grab what they wanted to eat. People he knows from work, those he’s unfamiliar with, gather at tables with drinks and food, conversation. Everything blends together over the music coming out of speakers from somewhere.   
Buck drags him over, still hand in hand to place their gifts on the table, and Christopher begs to talk to Maddie and Chim. They’re wrapped up arm and arm talking to an older Korean couple, Maddie’s smile is blinding from across the room. Buck doesn’t let go of his hand as they make their way over. Out the corner of his eye, Eddie sees a few of his co-workers looking shocked, a few others smile and shoot him a wave. Maddie spots them and stops mid-conversation to walk over, faltering in her steps when she glances down to see their fingers linked together.   
Her brown eyes go wide, and she continues on her mission over to them. Buck is forced to let Eddie go as Maddie hugs him to her tightly. “It’s about damn time.” She breathes out, then smiles at Eddie and offers him a hug, arms wide open. He steps into her embrace willingly, shocked someone could give a bear hug like it while seven months pregnant. “Don’t hurt him.” She whispers in his ear and he has to pull back. He sees the worry there, recognizing the sibling love and also a parents as well.   
“I’m trying not to.” He kisses her cheek and looks over at Buck who just looks amused. Chim finally makes his way over and says hello, misses what's going on.   
“Get food, get something to drink,” he invites them.   
“Ms. Maddie.” Christopher pipes up after the exchanges are made. Eddie didn’t raise an impolite kid.   
She looks down and offers him the famous Buckley smile. “Hey, Christopher.” She bends as much as she’s able to, to offer him a hug.   
“I made you and Chimney a card. Would you like to see it?” Maddie nods and reaches for her fiance.   
“We would.”   
Maddie cries over the card and Chim tells him thank you. They get called on by other friends and excuse themselves to make rounds.   
“Told you, you had nothing to worry about.”   
Taking a deep breath, Eddie nods. “Sure. For now. But I think I’ll keep my shampoo bottles away from Yancy, he was giving us the stink eye.”   
Buck groans, and waves to someone over Eddie’s shoulder when his name is called. “I thought Bobby had weeded everyone like that out, but I guess not. Oh well. He never liked me anyway. Hey, Jim is waving me over, wanna go see what he wants?”   
Eddie turns slightly to see Doveny waving Buck over. “Absolutely not, have fun.”   
“Dad! I see Denny and Harry, can I go over?” Christopher asks.   
Eddie looks down at his son, offers a smile. “Sure, just be careful of all the people. I’ll get you some food too, okay.”   
“Okay!” Chris starts to head in the direction of his friends while Eddie stands alone for a second.   
He jabs his hands in his pockets, not sure what to do with himself. He’s never been good at parties or with people, even those he works with. Chim’s brother walks over, offers a grin, holding up a bottle of beer.   
“You look like you could use this.”   
Eddie nods. “Thanks. I was going to go get food.”   
“I’ll help since you’re obviously going to need three plates.”   
Eddie braces himself for words of admonishment, but they don’t come. Instead, the younger man moves for the buffet tables. “You saw us walk in?”   
“Buck and you have always had something I could see from miles away. My brother and Maddie have the same aura and energy. It’s nice to see.”   
Eddie isn’t sure what to say to that. Instead, he sets his beer on the table and fills up plates, making sure he gets stuff Christopher will eat. Albert and him keep up conversation as they find a table. For the first time tonight, he doesn’t feel nervous. Buck and Christopher join them a short time later. Eddie gives Christopher his plate and keeps an eye on him as Buck leans his head on Eddie’s shoulder.   
“What’s wrong?” Eddie runs his hand up and down Buck’s back.   
“Nothing, just a lot of talking and it’s not even my party.”   
Eddie chuckles. “This is why you’re the social one. So I don’t have to be.” Buck rolls his eyes and Eddie kisses the top of his head. Christopher talks non-stop about what he was just discussing with his friends as he eats.   
The night goes off without much issue. The ball of anxiety loosens with every interaction that acts like him and Buck together is an everyday occurrence. Bobby of course tells them to come see him at the beginning of next shift but doesn’t say anything more. When they leave two hours later, Eddie is relieved. It really was that easy. Being with Buck was as easy as breathing like he thought it would be. They just had to get through the bumps in the road first.   
  
**The END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, How was it? I'm a firm believer in if they're happy for now it's enough so if you were looking for I love yous or a proposal, sorry! Not this time. Anyway, Thank you so much for sticking it out until the end! Come scream at me on Tumblr if you're so inclined @Kitkat0723 is where you can find me, my love of all things Eddie Diaz and whatever else I find entertaining (Like publically destroying Cookie's mental stability but that's a whole other thing ;) ) 
> 
> Thanks for reading until Next time xoxo Kat!

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/comments make my day. 
> 
> Scream at me on Tumblr @kitkat0723


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